The System for Starting Over (When Life Doesn’t Give You a Choice) with Tori Stauffer

Julie: Welcome back to the System for Everything Podcast. Today’s system tip: if you’re looking to reinvent your life, I highly recommend a casual life crisis paired with a cross-country move. Really keeps things fresh. Welcome back to the System for Everything, guys. What happens when life doesn’t gently nudge you to change, it forces you to? Today’s guest is Tori Stauffacher, an identity and embodiment coach for women in business, helping them stop circling the life and success they want and start becoming the version of themselves who can actually create it. She lives in Florida with her husband and their four kids, and her own journey through deep personal challenge is what led her to this work and the powerful transformation it creates. Through her coaching, membership, and podcast, Tori helps women build self to trust, shift identity, and step into bigger, more aligned lives and businesses. This conversation isn’t about starting over in a Pinterest perfect way. It’s about what it really looks like to begin again when you didn’t ask for it, and the systems that help you do it anyway. Welcome, Tori. Thank you so much for being here. Tori: Thank you. I’m so excited to be here. Julie: We are gonna start, as we always do, with the system reboot, a quick little reset to start our episode with some humor and humanity. What is one chore you irrationally enjoy? Tori: Oh my gosh, I enjoy no chores. I literally, I love outsourcing- That’s Julie: fair Tori: I do. I literally have somebody come in and do things like folding laundry for me, ’cause I just- Julie: I love that … thank you. You know what? I actually love folding laundry. Okay. I’m not good at the putting it away part, but I love folding it. So weird. Everyone thinks that that’s so strange. Tori: No, mine just lives in laundry baskets forever. Julie: What is one completely unnecessary purchase you have made recently that you stand by? Tori: I mean, probably, oh my God, a shirt. I went to Nordstrom Rack and found the cutest shirt that I’m literally wearing everywhere. It was not necessary, but it’s like my joy right now. Julie: It’s bringing you joy. Totally necessary. Yeah. I love that. All right, and finally, what is your go-to I need to reset my entire mood pop culture choice? Could be a song, a silly video, a TV episode, anything. Tori: Bravo, Bra- Summer House. Anything Bravo. Julie: All right, everyone. You have met the personality, now meet the powerhouse, because here’s the thing: starting over sounds inspiring in hindsight. It sounds brave, intentional, maybe even a little cinematic. But in real time, it’s disorienting, it’s inconvenient, and it doesn’t wait until you feel ready or rested or clear on your next move. So this is not a conversation about reinventing yourself for fun. It is about what it actually takes to begin again when you didn’t ask for it, and how you build something meaningful anyway. Here’s my conversation with Tori Stauffacher on the system for starting over when life doesn’t give you a choice Okay. Let’s start at the moment that kind of rewrote everything. Can you take us back to the day that you heard the words, “You have cancer”? I mean, what stands out most when you think about it now? Tori: Yeah, it was crazy. I was only 37 years old. Hm. Um, I at the time was running my photography business, and I had a client in my home at the moment doing, like, a prep session, like, leading up to her actual session, and the call came through. And I was like, “I just have to step away for a second and take this,” because literally everyone was saying, “It’s nothing, it’s nothing, it’s nothing.” And I stepped away, and I heard, “You have cancer,” and I literally had to go back in that room and finish that meeting- Julie: Ugh … Tori: with a smile on my face. It was crazy. Um, so it was just very… It was bizarre. It was… I didn’t believe it, and then, like, your whole world crashes down. Julie: Yeah. What did those first few weeks then look like for you, like emotionally, practically? Tori: I was in go mode, so it, like, hardcore go mode, and part of it was, like, my husband had just gotten laid off. We’d had benefits through his company, and we were looking at, like, downgrading our insurance, and that’s kind of how this all started, was he was like, “Go see all your specialists before we downgrade,” ’cause I get migraines, so I was, like, going to see all them. And I was like, “I’ve got this, like, weird lumpy thing that’s probably nothing,” ’cause growing up I always had, like, cysts- Yeah … and I would do a warm compress. This one just wasn’t going away. So, and at the time, my youngest was three, so I was very much in the phase of my life of, like, I’m not going to my doctor’s appointments. I had not been to the dentist in, like, three years. Like, I was not taking care of myself. Julie: Yeah. Tori: And so, like, that’s how it happened. If he hadn’t gotten laid off, I don’t know that w- I would’ve gone when I went. I think it would’ve been way longer because I would’ve kept putting it off. So it was, like, a weird blessing in disguise, but so we literally heard the day before our insurance was getting cut off. So, well, obviously we upgraded to the full coverage Julie: Yeah … Tori: and did a little COBRA until he got a new job, but it was go mode from the moment we found out. It was within 20 days I was in chemo. It was… We weren’t messing around. Julie: Yeah, I mean, that’s… There’s the, you know, the moment, the big moment where everything changes, and then kinda that slow, quiet unraveling of everything you thought- Tori: Yeah Julie: would happen. So when something like that happens, how do you even begin to understand, like, who you are now? Tori: There was such an evolution of who I was to who I am now, now. But it happened all during that, because I think a lot of times when you’re in the middle of whatever catastrophe it is, it’s hard to notice the changing happening- Julie: Yeah Tori: because the change happens out of necessity. And so it was that a lot of who I was was not gonna work for a person who wanted to beat cancer, because my mindset was garbage. I was a person who found a problem with everything. When I went out to dinner, I was always sending my food back. Like, there was just, I was always finding a problem, and I couldn’t be that person, that negative person if I was gonna beat cancer. I had to completely shift my mindset, and so that was the very first thing, was I became a person who said, “Everything always works out for me. Everything always works out for me.” And so that was really how it started, of shifting. Julie: How’d your mo- role as a, a mom shape the way you navigated that identity shift? Tori: Ooh, I got goosebumps. Um, it, it is why it shifted, because I have four kids. My oldest was a senior in high school at the time. My youngest was three years old, and he, he would not remember me. The type of cancer I had, it was breast cancer, but it was triple negative. So most breast cancers have, like, a 98% survival rate. This one had 75% because it can come back anywhere. And so there, that right off the bat was like, “I have to beat this because he won’t remember me at all.” And so that was the only thing getting me through, was, like, I remember saying to the doctor, “Burn it down. Burn it down to the ground. I don’t care if I’m just a shell of a person, I have to be here.” Yeah. And what’s weird is, like, now when I look back, the year that followed that diagnosis, I burnt my life to the ground. Like, yes, we, we beat cancer, but I torched my entire life and started over. And so it was kind of a really beautiful moment- that I’m weirdly grateful for now, but if it hadn’t been for, like, having kids, I don’t think I would’ve fought the way I did. I pr- I might have, but the, the fire in me to be like, “I have to be here”- Julie: Yeah … Tori: it was, that was my whole purpose. That was my whole reason why. Julie: On a practical level, was there something that helped you get through that season? Like, systems that held you together? Tori: Meal train. Honestly, like, one of the greatest things, if you know anybody going through anything in their life, one of the greatest things you can do for them is set up a meal train. Julie: Yeah. Tori: At the time, my parents lived with us. I had four kids. My mother-in-law lived next door, and I was usually the one who took care of all the meals. So I was feeding, I don’t know, what, eight or nine people every single night. And so just taking the stress of the meals off of the plate, not just of me, right? I’m guessing during, when you’re going through all of the cancer treatment, they’re probably not expecting me to cook, but it allowed the people who were taking care of me to focus on taking care of me and not worrying about what do we have to make for dinner tonight. So the community… And, and I didn’t have really strong ties to my community, but people I didn’t even know stepped up and were bringing us meals, and it was just- Julie: Wow incredible. Oh my gosh. How did you, kind of from that point, approach decision-making when everything felt so uncertain? Tori: I was, it, I was really focused on just the end. Like, I call it, like, an end scene. Like, what does it look like when we’re all done and life is back to normal? And I just didn’t even think about being in the process. I worked through the entire thing. I didn’t have to. We didn’t financially need me to work, but I needed to not be a cancer patient. Mm. And one of the things that happens a lot of time with people going through treatment of any kind is that everybody in their life just wants to talk about that, ’cause they want updates. They wanna know that, you know, you care. And so your entire world becomes cancer. So, like, for me, I’m not a pink ribbon girl, and it’s not that I’m ashamed of my cancer- Yeah … but I don’t identify with my cancer, and that was very true from the moment that I got diagnosed, is I just, I lived as normal a life as I could, and then took the downtime when I had to. Julie: And then when you had found some steadiness, life kinda asked you to do it again, right? You experienced another cancer scare in 2022. Tori: Well, yeah, so this is kinda crazy. So we, part of that year after cancer was somewhere in the middle of that year, I realized that I was not living a life that I wanted. I was living a life that I should. Yeah. Everything I did was very people-pleasing, very living my life for other people, very living my life because I’m good at this, so I should do this, right? Not what do you want? And so when you’re going through something like this and you’re like, there is this element that I was facing potential mortality- Yeah and, like, if I die, am I happy with the life I lived? And I was happy with everything in my life with, like, my kids are amazing, my husband’s amazing, my fam- like, all of that piece I loved, but the way I was living it, I didn’t love. And that caused us to pick up and we, w- we lived in Philadelphia at the time. We picked up and moved to Florida. So You know, we said it was for a job, but it, it wasn’t. My husband looked for a job in Florida in a specific town that we wanted to live in, and we picked up and moved. And that was incredible, and I really started living the life that I wanted. Like, when we first moved here, I didn’t start my photography business back up right at first. It really was health and wellness, being present, all of the things. And then, so we went through the summer here, and then in September I got a photography studio and we started construction, and I started making a lot of the same choices that I made in my past life of putting work before family- Mm saying yes to things on the weekends, giving up my morning walks and my exercise classes to meet with the contractors for the studio. So all of the things, ’cause I truly believe that I got sick because I was pushing too hard, burning myself out, not aligned with what I was meant to be doing. And the… listen, the universe was trying to send me signs and I was not listening. My body was trying to send me signs and I was not listening. I was like- Yeah … “I can push through, I’m an entrepreneur.” So I think when I started going down that path again, we, it was December I got diagnosed again, and it was just crazy. I was terrified because the, the thing with triple negative is if you make it past the first five years, you’re good. It very rarely ever comes back. Julie: Yeah. Tori: This was two years later. And so it was that nobody would give me a straight answer of what does this mean? Does this mean that it’s always gonna come back? And nobody would give me a straight answer. So there was a lot of fear, and there was also a lot of like, I do, did have it in my head at the time that like I brought a lot of it on myself. And so there was this fear and guilt, and then I didn’t trust my own brain to like… I didn’t trust my own mindset. And so like I spent a year not letting myself think a negative thought because I was scared that I was gonna bring the cancer back again. Oh. And then I realized that that was also very unhealthy. Yeah. And so now know how to, how to balance it. But it really honestly was probably the other wake-up call I needed- To prevent myself from going back into that same cycle. ‘Cause like, workaholic is my natural state. I love what I do. In whatever I’m do- I, once I get to the point where I don’t love what I do anymore, I stop. I pivot into what is lighting me up. Julie: Yeah. Tori: Um, and so, like I, I very easily default to work mode. And so this really was an eye-opener of you have to figure out the balance that works for the life that you want or you’re gonna keep battling this. And so that was the moment that I doubled down and made the decision to live a very intentional life. Julie: I love that. Coming kinda through the other side of something like this, you’re not the same person, and you’re not meant to be the same person. Tori: No. Julie: Um, so now that you’re in remission, how do you think differently about starting over? Tori: I am not a person that is scared to burn my life to the ground and start over because I’ve done it so many times. I’m in the middle of doing it again. I had a- Oh my gosh. Yeah. I had a very successful multi six-figure business that was no longer lighting me up, and I knew what I was being called to, and I was ignoring it for years. And then the little signs started happening again that like, “Well, if you don’t move, we’re gonna move it for you.” And so I just, um, I walked away from it. I walked away from a very successful business to follow my passion again. Um, so that’s who I am, but I’m also really good at helping people do it without being so dramatic because I- you know, I know now how, I know how to do it without… I know how to transition better now. Yeah. So this, this has been a little bit of a transition, but I also, like, I’m not afraid to take the leap because I have faith. Um, I, I know where I’m going. I see the vision. I know deeply in my bones that it’s happening, and so I, I just move in that direction. Julie: What would you say to somebody who is listening but feels stuck, but they haven’t had that kind of wake-up call? What would you want them to know? Tori: The first thing to ask yourself is what do you truly want? Not what should you want, not what can you have. Because a lot of us get stuck in our, like, 3D reality of what is happening, and like, “Well, I can’t do X, Y, or Z because I don’t know how, or because I am not trained in that, or I don’t have the, I don’t have the backing to do whatever.” So they, they almost, like, curb themselves from their potentiality. And so asking yourself, like, what do you want? It is … It’s really hard to get past the should. Yes. But when you let yourself say out loud, you can say it in the mirror to yourself at first if you’re not ready to say it to another person, I really want this. And what I find it in a lot of times is when people are like something is nudging them to a pivot, but they’re, they don’t wanna do it because they’re successful in this, they’re known for this, and the pivot is scary because that, those fears of, well, who am I to do that? They will stay locked in this reality that they’ve had because they don’t believe that anybody will go with them. And so that’s the first thing is, like, admit to yourself what do you want, and then find somebody who can hold that dream with you and be like, “Yes, girl, let’s go. Let’s go. How do we get there?” And start… It’s like the little tiny things that you do are what makes the biggest shifts. So you don’t have to pick up and leave your job. But, like, that version of you that you see of like, oh, I really would love to do that, what are the tiny little shifts you could do now to be more in line with that version of you? Julie: I love that. I think what you shared today really gives people that permission and kind of a place to begin without needing everything to be figured out first. Yeah. Which I think especially women, women entrepreneurs, we have that intense fear that we’re like, “Well, no, I need to have it all lined up first. I need to have it all Tori: up.” It doesn’t come like that, though. No. It never… You will never get the whole plan, like A to Z laid out. You will get the next step. You will get an intuitive hit, a little download, a ping, whatever, some sort of inspiration that’s the next step. And here’s the thing. If you don’t take the next step, you’re not gonna get the step after that. So y- it’s your o- your only job is to just take the next step. Whatever’s in front of you, whatever inspiration, and you’re training your intuition of, like, I’ll listen to you. Keep giving me more goodies, you know? Julie: I love that. Tori, before we wrap today, I wanna make sure everyone knows where they can find you, learn from you, stay connected to your work. Um, so where can we follow you? Talk ab- I wanna talk about your membership. I wanna talk about your mentorship. I know you’ve got a challenge. I know you’ve got your podcast. Give me all of it. Tori: The easiest place to find me is on Instagram. It’s @thetoristoffer. And yeah, I do have a membership. It is called The Expansion Club. It has, um, it- it’s where we do all of this work as a group. We have all kinds of goodies in there for you to help in your expansion, from belief rewiring, holding the vision, creating the vision if you don’t already have one, and then shifting that identity in those tiny little ways I talked about. Julie: I love that. Everyone, please go follow Tori. We’ll have all of this linked in the show notes. All right. In a completely different format, but somehow still on theme, I just finished reading a book, Climbing in Heels by Elaine Goldsmith Thomas, and it is a full five stars for me. I absolutely loved it. This book is all about ambition and power and what it actually looks like for women to climb without pretending that it’s clean or easy or perfectly balanced. It’s, it’s messy in a way that feels very honest. Um, you see the trade-offs. You see the ego. You see the moments where success and identity don’t quite line up. What I loved most about the book, though, and I’m not usually this way, is that it doesn’t hand you a neat conclusion. It just lays it all out and makes you sit with it. Uh, which again, feels very aligned with this idea of starting over without having everything tied up in a bow. Um, it’s very sharp, it’s very entertaining, and it’ll definitely make you think about your own definition of success. It is a highly recommend from me. All right, guys. Thank you for listening today. If you take nothing else from this episode, let it be this. Starting over doesn’t come with a sense of certainty. It begins in the middle of not knowing. I think what Tori’s story shows so clearly is that there isn’t a clean break between before and after. There’s a long middle. There’s a blurry, uncomfortable, deeply human middle where you’re rebuilding, where you’re carrying the pieces of what was. So if you are in that middle right now, if things don’t make sense yet, if your next step feels small or uncertain or maybe even underwhelming, that doesn’t mean that you’re doing it wrong. It just means that you’re doing it honestly. Uh, that version of your life that you didn’t see coming, it might actually be the one that fits you best. Thank you, everyone, for being here and for building systems that actually take care of you. I’ll see you next week